200

Finally, this nice, round number is here. I wanted to stop at 100, but I felt there is more to say, I felt the need to continue.

Now, I think it’s really over. I don’t think I have anything else to say. In two hundred days people finish books that inspire millions, people finish screenplays for movies, in 200 hundred days lives change. My life changed too, in 200 days, but I am disappointed. I was hoping for more.

So, although the outside circumstances are nothing to write home about, I did learn some new techniques that helped me make through the most difficult period in my life which was the last two months.

But that was not the idea. The idea was to experience nice things and not to learn how to make it through rough times. I don’t want rough times any more. I’m tired of rough times. Yes, I can make it through, but hey?! Wtf?!

I don’t know. On several occasions it appeared to me that maybe I could proclaim the rough times to be the good ones. Just make a proclamation. Force the feeling. It is possible to do that but it doesn’t seem right.

Anyways, this little “project” is now finished. I think I may come back from time to time and maybe add a thought or two, but that’s about it.

If the goal was to stop worrying, well, I almost got there. I definitely made some improvement in this regard. I do worry less, but … something is still missing. And that’s nice surprises. Effortless joy.

Breathe, smile, enjoy the day.

Over and out.

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199

M.A.T.I.

Remember M.A.T.I.

Mindfulness

Awareness

Thankfulness

Intention

That’s what I need now. Intention. Plan. Where do I want to be? Where – do – want – to – be? I want to be exactly here where I am right now. In the now. The Eckhard Tolle way. My intention is to enjoy here and now. At all times.

My intention is to learn to control my mind. To be less impulsive. To let go instead of being attached. To smile in the face of all circumstances. To care less about what’s going on in my work. To be happy by doing what I can do and to let go of the things I can not do. Just let go.

Is it in vain that I woke up at 3AM this morning? Universe is trying to send me a message (that’s one explanation). I could perceive this in many different ways, but since there is no supreme authority to judge on this, I will decide what it means. And it means that Universe wanted to send me a message. A message that says that all is cool. Universe wanted me to enjoy the silence. And my first espresso. And time I have to just sit here and write what’s on my mind. To decide what I want to have on my mind. Or to decide not to have anything on my mind.

That’s what I decide. I decide that Universe is on my side. That all universal laws work in my benefit. I decide that Universe exists, it loves me and all that it brings in my way – benefits me.

I decide. Joy is what I opt for. Here and now. Nothing else matters.

So, what to do when confronting other peoples energy? What do I decide there? Ask yourself where you want your focus to be.

Regardless if it’s someone physically in your presence, communicating to you or someone negative just passing by. Ask your self where you want your focus to be.

I learned a lot. I really did. From these obstacles. The time has come to enjoy these fruits now. Here and now. Enjoy them. Enjoy this knowledge that you have. Knowledge IS power. Awareness is power. So, enjoy your powers.

Oh. And one more thing. You don’t have to go anywhere today. And you don’t have to do anything today. You can just rest today. You can enjoy every moment of today. You’ve got all conditions for that.

198

Two more days and this period of my life will be over.

Time to turn a new page.

This “book” is finally coming to it’s end.

Two more days and then I will try something new. What? I don’t really know. It’s been fun. It’s been helpful. But it did not lead to a state of satisfaction. I think I was onto something here, but many questions still remain unanswered.

Two more days. And these two are, most probably, going to pass and become history. Quickly forgotten history. Like our lives. Like this morning. Forgotten. As it never happened.

197

Ok. I can force it three more days. I can squeeze few more words. But then, since I really feel what I write, I’ll have put the gloves down or change the topic.

But what topic? What can someone, who strongy feels that breathing and smiling is the way to go through the life, write about?

In this mode there are no words. Outside events are trivial and uninteresting, boring.

Thoughts are being observed. I am turning from consciousness which is being subjected to thoughts to the one which is subjecting thoughts. Turning thoughts into observed phenomena. Same goes for circumstances, they are now subject of observation. Events – subjects of observation. Noticing and taking notes. That’s what I do. Until I get bored. Then I just sit and the thoughts and events do thir thing – without me getting involved.

So, captain’s log number 197, we are appraching another galaxy day in which we will observe thoughts, events and circumstances. If anything worth noting appears – we’ll make a note of it 🙂

Over and out.

196

“I’ve got some news for you.”

“Yes?”

“You don’t have to go to that office ever again.”

“Don’t I?”

“No you don’t.”

“So what am I’m going to live of?”

“It’s been taken care of. You’re settled.”

“Ok. That comes as a surprise, but ok.”

“Are you not happy.”

“If it was true I’d cry of happiness. I’d cry.”

“It is true. You don’t have to go there ever again.”

“But what am I going to do then?”

“Nothing. Breathe.”

195

Well, I did learn something after all. And that’s awareness and mindfulness. These skills help a lot. Maybe not to change the circumstances but surely to go through them easier. To live with them more easily.

My circumstances, at this point, are actually not bad. Apart from my current job. I have never had such a horrible job in my life. It’s horror. (If we exclude heavy physical work I did occasionally as a student.)

So, what to do?

Well, I am aware of my lack if talent or particular skills that would help me get a job which I wouldn’t hate, where I wouldn’t suffer so much.

That is something I’d like to change. But I don’t know how.

Awareness and mindfulness, on the other hand, help me get through the working days to the weekend. Well, I had to develop some skill to survive.

It’s the same in the nature. Different forms of life develop different features in order to survive in different environments.

194

So, this little project of mine is approaching it’s 200th day and I think it will end on this fine round number.

What I’ve learned in the last 194 days is … well, I learned nothing and achieved nothing.

I am still not living the life I want. Circumstances are worse then 194 days ago. I see no way out.

So, I will keep writing for the next six days and then I’ll stop. It was a nice try, made a few mornings more bearable, but other than that it was useless.

I’m stuck with no way out. Like millions of other lucky bastards in this world.